Where You Go

Theres no such thing as Heaven or Hell
To me, these are stories for others to sell
There is no reason
There is no Why
God didn’t take my husband to die.
If it gives you comfort,
then you should believe.
To me, it’s just bullshit they feed the bereaved.
What I feel to be true
and what seems to make sense,
is a bucket of questions
just over the fence.
It’s a mixture of science,
darkness, and stars
Today you’re on Pluto
Tomorrow it’s Mars.
Not that it matters,
because you’re not here.
So everything else
is just highlighted fear.
There is no peace when your other half dies,
only fragments of truth that are riddled with lies.
Where the hell did you go?
Does your spirit rest?
Does it fly all around?
Sit with birds in a nest?

They say that you’re with me
But what does that mean?
Did I make it all up?
That sign? That dream?
When I sensed your presence inside of my scream?
Are you air? Are you wind?
Do you travel by boat?
Do your ears still get cold?
Will you still need a coat?
How do I know
if you’re really around?
Can you whisper or talk
Can you please make a sound?
Theres nothing to touch
no sort of proof
Why is your energy
so damn aloof?
Your funeral screwed with my mind that day
you laid in a casket, your soul far away
your skin red and swollen
your eyes shut and tight
my heart looked away
unable to fight …
That was not you inside of that box
That was not you,
But it was –
How can I ever unsee what I saw?
That image of you.
So black. So raw.
And then you were dust,
they gave me a can,
filled with my husband,
My love. My man.
Now some of you sits here
in my bedstand
Some of you tossed at the beach
in the sand.
None of it means you are here with me
None of it lets me hold your hand.
None of it means I understand
the Death that has become you.

So final. So ugly.
so cruel and unfair
Where the fuck did you go?
I want to know where …..
Where were you last week
on Valentines Day?
Or when 4 year old Brian just wanted to play
When our niece took her first steps that Tuesday
or Monday or Thursday
or Saturday night
or the next time Im scared to death on a flight
or our kitties get sick.
or our taxes aren’t right.
Science says energy never dies
so where is your spirit each time your wife cries?
When the car mechanic is telling me lies …
Are you at “In N Out” for a burger and fries?
Did you finally jump on a plane to L.A.?
or Clearwater Beach
Yankees vs. Rays?
How come I havent felt you for days?
Maybe you’re on the phone with your dad
having that talk
that you never had.
You could be at Publix
getting a sub
or strumming guitar
in a Cape Cod pub.
Petting a puppy,
Saving a cat
Leave it to you to do something like that.
A tennis match
with Andre or Pete.
Steven Tyler is singing,
you jam up a beat.

Bringing my Boo’s ashes to Clearwater Beach

Or maybe you’re with your old EMS partners
Rob, Meg, Maria
Just killin some hours.
Making friends laugh,
Staying up til dawn
talkin ’bout movies
or music with John.
Calling dad “Pop”
eating mom’s apple pie,
playing catch with our brother
out in the night sky.
If energy talked for 3 hours straight,
you’d call up your sister,
be on the phone late.
So many places
your energy goes
and in the end
None of us know.
maybe you know.
Only you know.
So where the hell are you?
Dont you think I should know?
Are you waiting for me
outside in the snow?
Nobody said
it was time to go.

Cape Cod with my brother and Jen

How can I feel
that youre still with me?
Put your name on a rock?
Go outside,
Plant a tree?
Why cant I feel your energy?
In the beginning,
right after you died
I felt you on earth,
it helped me survive.
But lately it’s gone,
and I dont know why,
but Im not giving up,
on where you might fly.
Give me directions
to where you are
Can I G.P.S. it?
Can I drive my car?
Or is it more vague,
like inside of a star?
Maybe it’s selfish
I dont really care
You promised forever,
we never got there.
If you’re gonna be Dead,
it’s not asking a lot,
that your soul stays with me,
It’s all that I got.
Where you go,
I should be.
Where You Go,
Stay with me.

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15 thoughts on “Where You Go

  1. Damn, woman, you do have a way with words.

    And actually, they gave me a box full of Bill. After all that we were together, a box holds him. Well, not his spirit. If yours and mine are in the same place, wouldn’t that be something?

  2. have no idea how you do it, but you keep coming with great writings, now poems, and so quickly…genious. Don has to be so proud of you…I know he is there…somewhere.

  3. This is such a touching piece. I am sitting here thinking “Where are you?” and it rings so true. Always with me just as you wrote. Thanks for sharing your poem and your pictures.

  4. I just posted some thoughts similar to this on Facebook yesterday when I was thinking of my husband and feeling a little down (a common occurence). When I saw this, I thought it was a joke or something! Someone was reading my mind! Thanks! Nice to know there are others out there going through the same thing!

  5. So sad and beautiful Kelley. I have Marc in a jar, and yet it’s not him. It offers no comfort. He is gone, just plain and simply gone. It is horrible. I love your blog. You are good at putting into words the jumbled mess in my brain. love you.

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