In Between

JERRY: You rented ‘Home Alone?’

GEORGE: Yeah. Do you mind if I watch it here?

JERRY: What for?

GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment, I feel like Im not DOING anything. If I watch it here, Im out of the house. Im DOING something.

– Seinfeld 

Today is a nothing day. Nothing important.
Well, today is Halloween.
And since my husband and I didn’t have kids, and we never really “did anything” on Halloween,
today is a nothing day.

All of the days surrounding today, however, are filled with emotion.
The days that have passed, and the days coming up.
Lots and lots of emotion.
This past Sunday, October 27th, was my wedding anniversary.
Would have been 7 years.
hate that I have to say “would have been.”
We didn’t even make it to 5.

I spent the day Sunday driving to the road where our venue was, and still is.
Sea Cliff, Long Island.
I sat by the water where we took our pictures.
Where his ashes are scattered.
I walked along the sand. I sat on a bench and stared.
I tossed a message in a bottle into the bay.
I sobbed. For 2 hours straight. I really did.
It just kept coming.
The tears.
They shot out of me like a flood or a tidal wave,
fighting and begging to be heard.
So I sat.
And I listened.
And I talked.
But mostly,
I listened.
To the silence.
To the low tide.
To the hope, that I could somehow hear or feel his love, somewhere deep inside.
I listened.

Tomorrow, just 7 years ago, we left for my parents beautiful time-share on Cape Cod, to spend our 10 day honeymoon. While there on the Cape, we celebrated his birthday, which happens to fall on November 6th, Election Day. After that, other emotional future days will also come up. Such as Thanksgiving. And the day he proposed to me underneath that Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree in NYC, one week before Christmas. And then, of course, Christmas. My favorite day of the year, that I now dread with every fiber of my being. New Years Eve. And then we get to start the whole damn thing all over again ……..

SeaCliff, Long Island, Oct 27, 2013.

But today,
right now,
tonight,
in these moments of silence that I sit here and write,
while my roommate is out celebrating the holiday,
and while my new life often leaves me alone on nights,
exactly like this one,
Tonight,
is a nothing night.

And it is nights like tonight,
these nothing nights,
these days that fall in-between 
other relevant nights,
it is these evenings and these hours,
that I feel the loss most of all.

For tonight,
just 7 years ago,
on Halloween night,
we were not doing anything at all.
We were doing nothing.
Together.
and doing nothing, together
is so very delicious and incredible and sexy
and boring and wonderful and adventurous
when you are deeply in love.

We were watching “Its The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”,
and we were packing for our honeymoon,
and we had ordered some take-out Italian,
and we sat on our couch in our living room,
with our legs and our hearts intertwined,
loving our newly married life,
that was only 4 days old.

And we did nothing at all.
and nothing was everything.
But now,
nothing,
is just
Nothing.
And doing nothing,
All alone,
is not the same,
as doing nothing,
with your person.

And so these nights,
these nights of nothing that are
In-Between other nights,
they Hurt.
They remind and they bring back to the surface,
and they wound and they push in all the places,
that you don’t want pushed.

On these nights,
being left alone here,
with only my thoughts and my heart,
it is dangerous.
It is painful.
It is vulnerable.
I am naked,
sitting next to grief,
Inviting him,
Enticing him,
Enabling him,
to come out and play.
And when he does,
and he always does,
I will be ready,
and I will be silent,
and I will sit still,
and Listen.
Just listen,
for that small, tiny, important moment
right before the wave crashes
right after the wind blows
right before the grief starts howling,
and yelling,
and berating,
and overwhelming,
and controlling.

I will listen,
for your love,
Inside
of the In Between. 

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7 thoughts on “In Between

  1. Kelley, very moving & comforting to know someone else knows exactly how I feel. I lost my Jeff 4 weeks ago in a motorcycle accident 3 houses down from us. I drive by his spot every day! I am also dreading the holidays as it was Jeff’s favorite time of year & we also have an anniversary Dec 13, it would have been our 14th & we had reservations to spend at Mirabu Spa in NY. We spent a weekend there for our last anniversary & loved it. I hate thinking of all the things that have changed & will change as a result of that horrible day.

  2. Beautiful! You’re such a lovely poet.

    I always say my new year starts the day my husband died. It’s when I start doing all the counting down again. “This is the third, blah blah blah.” January 1st no longer has a “new year” feeling to me. That happens in August now.

  3. Four years ago today, we took Jim to the ER because I was sure he was having or had a stroke. I did not even think he would be gone in 9 days…I knew he was very sick and this day would come but the reality of it didn’t hit that night until we got him to his room and the nurse asked him if he knew who I was and he studied my face and said “no”. We had been married 38 years and that night he did not recognize me. Every day for the next 13 days I will count down by what I was doing on that day 4 years ago. This is what widows do and I wish we didn’t have to. I wish for some peace for you Kelley as I do for all of us. As always, your story is beautifully written.

  4. This blog entry was both uncomfortable and inspiring. I think that’s the secret to your success as a writer. You know exactly how to describe what you are feeling even if it is raw and awful, at the same time it comes out beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing and thank you for continuing to allow us to be a part of if!

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