It’s Gone

I am in a silent state of panic.
I am staying at my parent’s house in Massachusetts,
for about 10 days, over the Christmas break.
While here, something happened.
Something awful.
Something so awful and so sad and so horrible,
only other widowed people could possibly understand,
just how awful it is.

Those who are married, to spouses who are alive,
cannot understand.
Not fully.
Not totally.
Not really.
And because I am unsure of the exact time or day,
that this awful thing happened,
I have been walking around like a zombie,
in a silent state of panic.
Not telling anyone of the horrible thing,
that transpired.
Because maybe,
just maybe,
if I refrain from saying it out loud,
than maybe it didn’t actually happen at all.
Right?

I cannot find my wedding ring.
My husband is dead,
and gone forever,
and I cannot find my wedding ring.
My hands are shaking as I type this.
My fingers feel like someone else’s fingers,
without my ring on.
My skin is so naked and wrong,
without my ring on.
I have nothing else to latch onto,
nothing to cling to desperately,
in the unbearable moments of missing him,
without my ring on.

It fell off my finger.
It must have fallen off.
Somewhere.
Somehow.
I don’t know how.
Or when.
I have looked all over this house.
Like a detective,
or an investigator,
I have searched every crevice,
and nook,
and corner,
of this house.
My ring is gone.
Just like my husband,
my ring is gone.
It was there,
and then it wasn’t.
What am I going to do???

I feel like I cannot breathe,
yet I am holding it inside,
silently wailing,
and screaming,
and begging.
Please just let me have my ring back.
Please, universe.
Please …

And yet somewhere inside me,
I know,
I just know,
that it is gone.
The ring is gone.
It is in some parking lot,
covered in snow.
Invisible.
No longer on my finger.

When your husband is dead,
the way that my husband is dead,
you cling to things.
You cling to things that symbolize
other things,
like your life together,
your marriage,
your vows,
your world,
your time,
your heart.
You cling to them,
because the person,
the physical being,
is no longer here,
to hold or to smell,
or to kiss or to talk.
So instead,
in the still of the night,
you stare into space,
and you run your thumbnail,
again and again,
over your wedding ring,
petting it,
feeding yourself with comfort,
with love,
with something,
ANYTHING,
that feels like proof,
of the life you had.

Because I have so little.
So little of our life,
is left with me.

We had no children.
We had no chance to have our family.
We had no house to own together,
no time to buy one,
or to afford such things,
in our young married life.
His family was and IS dysfunctional,
and many of them dead,
so no D.N.A. to look at or feel and say:
“He has my husband’s eyes.”
And the worst part,
now,
is that I never even changed my last name.
I never became a Shepherd.
There was no reason for this,
except laziness,
lack of motivation,
and now I wish,
Oh how I wish,
that I had my husband’s name,
so that I would have some sort of evidence,
that we really happened.

I had my wedding ring.
And now I don’t.

When he died,
so suddenly,
it felt like he disappeared,
or went to work,
and never came home.
And now,
my wedding ring,
has also disappeared.
It sits in the pavement,
or flies in the wind,
or rolls down the highway,
running away from me.

I feel scared,
panicked,
invalid.
I feel like I don’t exist.
I feel like I somehow failed him,
for losing the very thing,
that sat on my hand,
and said:
“We were love. We ARE love.”

I keep staring at the space
on my finger
where the ring was
only hours or days ago.

How is this possible?
I cannot lose any more of him.
I cannot lose any more pieces
of the life,
that was.
Another death.
Another loss.
It feels like he just died,
Again.
And yet I know,
that nothing will ever be worse,
than when he died.

But looking down at my finger,
and not seeing my wedding ring,
is sadness on such a deep level,
that I cannot even cry.
Instead,
I wait in silence.
Waiting for something
to happen.
Or not happen.

I already knew that I was no longer married,
after he died.
But I could pretend.
I could keep my ring on,
and pretend,
inside my heart,
that inside my own universe,
I am still married.

I want so very badly,
to still be married.
To still be his wife,
and for him to still be,
my husband.
Even if he is my dead husband,
I still call him my husband,
because I get chills,
everytime I say the word.
Husband.
The most beautiful word,
ever.

I knew I was no longer married,
but I could use the ring to pretend.
I needed to pretend.
I still need to pretend.
I am nowhere near finished pretending.
But I cannot pretend,
because the ring that helped me do so,
is now replaced by nothing.
Pretending,
even inside the confines of my own world,
silently,
without words or announcements,
allowed me to better cope
with my reality
in the outside world.
If I cannot pretend,
in my own little corner,
the world around me feels
impossible.
What the hell do I do now?

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36 thoughts on “It’s Gone

  1. Pray that you find it pray to st Theresa. I took my husbands band to a jewler and they shaped it into a heart necklace I also put my first diamond in the. Middle of it that he gave me I wear it on his chain he wore with his cross

  2. So sad, I still have my wedding ring and I do wear it to remember my love we were Married 36 years I will always miss him and will never never want another man in my life I feel like I had my love and happiness and now I will just wait to join him

  3. I too lost my husbands wedding band. It was so big and I wore it on my middle finger and one day it was gone. I prayed to St. Joseph and looked all over for it. In the grass catcher of the lawn mower, on the pavement, in the garbage, in the car. I wanted to vomit. Finally, I looked in the cracker box I had been eating and TG I did, because it was
    inside at the bottom of that box, with the crumbs! I found it! I put it on a chain around my neck and the chain broke. I now have it sitting in a box in my bedroom. I think Michael was trying to tell me to take it of. That it was time. I hope you will have the same outcome and it will turn up

  4. Oh Kelley,I am so sorry. This i about my worst nightmare. I pray that your ring will find its way back to you, sister angel.

  5. Keep writing and talking about Don. Sharing your memories of him with us keeps him alive and vibrant. Everything you say brings him closer to being a friend for life, rather than a friend I haven’t met yet.

  6. This is my biggest fear! I’m praying to God, the angels, the spirit guides, the higher powers, the universe to the whoever or whatever is that has the power to help you find your ring. You need your ring. I need you to have your ring bc this is heartbreaking!

  7. So sorry, Kelley! Mine disappeared for over a week. I wanted to vomit every time I thought about it. I still can’t figure out how it got where it ended up. It may still show up. If it doesn’t, know that we are here for you.

    (((Hugs)))!

  8. Oh Kelley! I cannot even imagine the pain you are in! I can only hope that it is found by someone who undetstands how important it is and does everything to get it back to you! Hugs!

  9. I sometimes feel you and I are one. I know that might sound stupid because we don’t know each other well. However your writings and feelings are so me and I never met widow more then I understand then you. I am so sorry. You sit next to me on this hell ride. Just when you have a little sunshine in your life like a family bond Xmas, somewhere happiness won’t stay with this happening. My stomach is ready to thrown up for you, cuz I get what you feel. I have such sadness for this. Sorry doesn’t cut it. You are in my thoughts

  10. Oh I am so sorry . i know just a little bit of how you feel. i started wearing my husbands ring when he went into the hospital for the last time. It was too big for my ring finger so i wore it on my thumb. I lost it about a week after he died. woke up in the middle of the night and realized it was gone. went through the whole panic, tried to tell myself maybe it was a “sign”, all kinds of thing. I DID find it, later, not sure how long, in an empty grocery bag. must have slipped off as I was unpacking or something. stopped wearing it as i was afraid of losing it again. I still had mine of course, but it was the feeling of losing the lat piece of him. I hope you find it. Maybe if tell your family so they can help you look. (once i found it i had our rings made into one, and moved them to my right hand – long story, I will tell you some time how that actually helped me move “forward” – not on, but forward more than any other single thing i did)

    • THank you. I actually had moved the ring to my right hand long ago – months after he died. Wearing it , for me, is more of a comfort thing, Im always physically touching it and I just like knowing its there on my hand. I did tell my parents and family this morning, so everyone is on their guard looking for it to turn up. I just have a bad feeling that its gone ….

  11. I so get this…I thought I had lost my original band (he gave me one with diamonds many years later) but it turned up. I pray that yours will also..

  12. By the way, Kelley…you are not pretending to be married if you feel married.

    I lost (and found) my ring a couple times and you are right on that these feelings come rushing forward and it’s like losing him again. It’s different than if you lost it while he was alive. The end result then would be going together to buy a replacement…now it’s irreplaceable.

    I really hope you find it!!!

    • Exactly. When they die, all we have are these pieces of them in items, so losing even one of them hurts like hell. Especially the one that represents so much and gave me so much comfort. Thanks for understanding.

  13. So, so sorry to hear this. I’ll never believe this is Don’s doing. This is a terrible thing and I’ll be watching for good news that it turned up somewhere. Huge hugs.

  14. Oh Kelley!! I am so sorry you lost your ring. I know the panicky feeling.
    After Nick died, also suddenly, when I looked through his things, I couldn’t find it. I thought he was wearing it that day, but they said they gave me everything. I tore my house apart. I couldn’t find it.
    When I went to bring him home after he was cremated, they said wait, there are some things we need to give you.
    It was his ring and some change that was in his pockets.
    Sometimes he took it off, depending on what he was doing at work.
    I collapsed in tears on the floor of the funeral home.

    I truly hope your ring turns up. I will also send a message out to the universe for it to be found.

    You can still legally change your name.

    And keep the memories of your love tight to your heart. Depend on that.

    And maybe find another ring in the meantime, perhaps with his birthstone in it , just so you don’t feel that panic when you look at your finger?
    Massive hugs to you.

    • Thats a nice idea Christine, really. About getting another ring. I wish I could afford something like that, but I cant. Im dirt broke, and need any money I make from my part time jobs to get my book published.

  15. I’m panicking for you I can feel my chest getting tighter, & as I read the words run your thumbnnail over & over I realised I was doing that with mine, it’s a comforter. I was burgled a year after my husband died they took everything I had of his & everything he had bought me in 16 years except my rings as I was wearing them. It’s an inanimate object, but it holds so much of our soul. I am so sorry & I am praying for a miracle for you

  16. I am so sorry. There have been a couple of times were my rings have come off and taken days to find. It always feels the way you describe it. They did always turn up again, but i finally included them in a tattoo design and had them permanently drawn on my arm. Oddly, that made me feel much better, because i can’t take them off.

  17. I hope you find your wedding ring. …At work one day my necklace broke and I lost the charm that my boyfriend gave me… it was the first piece of jewelry he ever bought anyone. …and it means everything to me….I said this prayer and it was found…

    St Anthony, St Anthony
    Look around
    Somethings lost
    And can’t be found

    You can replace the word something with what is lost….in your case your wedding ring….I pray that you find your wedding ring

  18. HUGS Kelley!!! I lost mine one time as well, but after I panicked my Mom went on a search and found it in a pair of gloves I had been wearing. Good luck finding it!!!

  19. Sending you a hug. I too have lost and found our wedding rings. I had to evacuate our home for a wildfire and forgot to take them, along with many things, and had to tell myself it would all be okay. After all, they are just material things. These are the emotions we deal with as widows and widowers. I am so sorry. I hope it makes it’s way back to you, and if not I hope you find peace.

  20. We get it, we really do. A few months before my husband died (he died suddenly without warning too), the diamond fell out of my wedding ring. I looked and looked for it for days but could no longer wear it because the prongs were now scratching students and catching on things. We couldn’t afford to buy another diamond so I had to take it off and put it in my jewelry box. He promised to save money and buy me a new diamond for our 25th wedding anniversary. Well he died just a few weeks before our 24th anniversary. The coroner gave me HIS wedding band before she performed the autopsy and I slipped it on my finger immediately just so I wouldn’t lose it. It has been there ever since…..and like you, I play with it, twirl it, think about him and our love. I am also afraid of losing it for like you, I am still married. I am still his wife. I am going to figure out a way somehow to get that ring of mine fixed next summer for a happy 25th wedding anniversary gift to myself—-even if it has to be cubic zirconium instead of a diamond!! I hope and pray you find your ring Kelley….I really do. And we hope to read a joyful blog post from you telling us exactly where it was found!

  21. I have all my jewelry that he got me through the years including the wedding and engagement ring put up with his ring. I was so afraid of loosing mine that it was better if it was put up in a safe place. Once in a while I do wear my wedding ring and engagement ring on my right hand but they are always put up at night for safe keeping.
    Praying that you find it, Kelley. Hugs.

  22. I feel your emptiness. Our wedding bands were lost/stolen when I moved a few years after he died. I was keeping them in a “nice safe place” separate from the rest of my jewelry – so safe that they disappeared. I keep hoping they will turn up in the corner of some box or bag I’ve already checked a dozen times or more since then.

  23. When I first read the line I thought,

    “Who do I need to come beat up?”

    Then I read it.

    I’m so sorry Kelley. I really hope you find it. Someway, somehow. Anywhere you have gone, go back and ask to see if perhaps someone turned it in. My fingers are crossed for you.

    xoxoxo

  24. Oh god I wish I had not been so lazy and legally changed my last name. We had only been married for 18 months. I thought I had all the time in the world to take care of all that stuff and kept putting it off. He was killed by a drunk driver almost two months ago. It seems strange if I change it now, but I keep thinking about it. I keep grasping at straws trying to feel connected to him.

  25. OH NO!!!! I hope you find it. There have been times where I thought I had lost mine, and the sheer panic that ensued was AWFUL. I imagine yours was 100 times worse. :( *HUGS*

  26. I wear mine constantly…I wear all the jewelry he ever gave me in case I get burglarized I’ll still have them…pray to St. Anthony…I truly have a feeling it’ll turn up…look in every inch in the car (that just popped in my head)…I pray you find it…your writing is what’s in my heart…prayers out to you Hon…

  27. Kelley….here is my story of wedding rings….I lost my wedding ring twice since my husband passed away unexpectantly in May 2012.
    The first time was when I was cleaning out the old stinky garage…..finally after looking and looking i found it in a crack in the concrete….I was so relieved and gladly put it back on my hand.
    The second time was a couple of months later…after cleaning the bottom part of the house all day and organizing the basement, I realized, when I absent-mindedly started playing with my rings, it was not on my hand…I WAS BESIDE MYSELF….
    i did not know where to begin….I looked and looked and ended up crying myself to sleep.

    A good friend of mind told me to keep praying about it and to also say to St. Anthony, Saint of Lost Items: Tony, Tony….look around for my wedding ring can not be found….and I did this faithfully…what did I have to lose?

    Well…several months later, I was in my son’s room in my bare feel….cleaning out his closet…and i felt something sharp on my foot…..there was my engagement ring….bent up some…but it was there….However, my wedding band was not to there…
    Close by where I found the engagement ring, there was a filled gift bag my son had sitting on the floor…something told me to look in there…and sure enough, at the bottom of this bag was my wedding band!!!!!!

    The odd thing about this was the day I misplaced my rings, I had not been upstairs at all that day…and I had never seen that gift bag before……how my rings got there I will never know….

    So, I immediately put my rings away in a nice box along with my husband’s band….I had promised God, St. Anthony and my beloved husband that if I was allowed to have my rings back, I will put them with his ring for safe keeping until I had the money to make something special out of both..

    Well…about a month ago…I went to get all of the rings out of the box….and guess what…my husband’s band is GONE…….GONE….I have no recollection of ever taking it out…..
    The only thing I can figure is that I must have taken it out and wore it around my neck in a necklace and it either fell off or if I took it off and put it in my purse I was using at the time….and totally forgot about doing it….that is Widow Brain for you….

    The bad thing is, is that just before I realized that my husband’s ring was missing…I had gone through all of my clothes and purses…and donated alot of things to Goodwlll, Salvation Army and a program at church……
    HOWEVER, I REALLY DO NOT KNOW IF THIS REALLY HAPPENED AS I DONT REMEMBER TAKING HIS RING OUT.

    So, I am continuing to pray to God…and pray to St. Anthony…Tony…Tony….look around, for my beloved husband’s rings can not be found…..

    And my promise is this, when I find his ring I will take all the rings to a jewelry maker and have something special made…even if I have to put it on credit…..

    So….Tony….Tony….look around, for Kelley’s precious wedding rings can not be found…..

    Hang in there , Kelley…..

    PS…when I thought mine would not be found…I started “shopping around” for something similar…and I was going to have a special wedding ceremony in the privacy of me and my husband’s memory…..and marry him again…and wear that ring…..

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