Longer

This isn’t going to be some brilliant, profound, incredible blog post.
It’s not going to win any writing awards.
Sorry.

I’ve just been a ball of nothing for the past few days, and I need to write, because what else can I do.
The sobbing has been non-stop. It just comes on. Then again. Then some more. Then I eat something. Or I dont. I keep forgetting to drink water. I’m having trouble getting out of bed. I’m going to work and keeping my plans and doing all the things I need to do and have to do in life that are responsibilities and obligations.

But I’m a mess.
I can’t think.
I can’t sleep.
I can’t exist.

I spent 2.5 hours yesterday staring at the wall in my bedroom. It needs new paint.
I watched way too many episodes of “My 600 Pound Life.” They are all the same. Same premise. Same ending. Same fucking doctor even. Are there NO other doctors on earth who perform gastric bypass except this one guy?

I’m at a crossroads. I feel like everything and nothing is about to happen.
I can’t explain what I mean.
Nothing makes any sense to me right now.

On Wednesday, it will be April 13th.
Four years and nine months since my husband’s sudden death.
On Wednesday, it will be April 13th.
Four years and nine months that we were married.
On Wednesday, April 13th, I will have been a widow longer than I was a wife.
This is maybe the saddest thing I have ever typed.
It feels so wrong to have to type that.
Or to have to live that.
And yet here I am.
With no choice, really,
but to try and live.
Somehow.

I’ve been trying.
And failing.
I opened myself up to the idea of living.
I thought it was going well.
But then it wasn’t.
I don’t know what to do.

I have reached the point where I no longer want to be alone.
I no longer want to be lonely.
I no longer want to sit home by myself every weekend.

I got a tiny taste of feeling something again,
spending time with someone again,
being excited about someone again.
And I loved it.
I still love it.
But it was just a taste.
It’s not the right time.
And that’s okay.
Really.
But losing my friend is not okay,
and I’m hoping that isn’t what’s happened.

I know I’m not making any sense.
Nothing makes any sense.
Except me and Don.
We made sense.
We made so much sense.
And then he was gone.
Why?

I just miss you so very, very much, my Boo.
I miss you every day.
I want to go back,
to when I didnt have to think about things such as this,
because I was someone’s wife,
and I had a beautiful husband.
And we were so happy.
But now,
soon,
I will have been a widow,
longer than my entire marriage.
I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Time to go cry again.

(As always, comments are welcome and so appreciated)

couch

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15 thoughts on “Longer

  1. I am sorry. Another milestone in a life of milestones that are numbers and dates….each one hard and harder, each one with its own significance and sorrow. And nothing can be done to make it easier or better or softer.

    {{{hugs}}

  2. Kelley, I love you friend . I hear you loud and clear echoing pain that so many of us will face. There are no words that will ease that intense feeling. I share with you to continue to embrace the love of Don for it is forever…I truly believe you being out in the world a connection of an intense “friendship” will develop just when you least expect it. I am here any time to sound off too. My loneliness is deep too and I only get out as far as the patio daily. I keep believing….HOPE HUGS…

  3. Wish I knew what to say to make even a little bit of the pain go away… I give you so much credit for sharing your thoughts and your life with all of us.. I give you credit for living life and yes, being open to the idea of “chapter 2” and sharing that too.. (((Hugs))))

  4. I read this and felt every word… Connected to everything you are feeling, fighting despair. Exhausted from it all.shows up uninvited at any moment. I am trying to coexist with it. I long for the day when I can look it in the face and say goodbye. Coming out of darkness and into the light. Understanding why! I am a widow also, just over 3 years.

  5. Oh Kelley, you’ve done so much to help us in our grief. What can we do to help you? Not much other than to tell you we feel your pain and understand.

  6. Kelley, I am so very sorry that you have had this set-back but, believe me, I can relate. For me, it’s always two steps forward and three steps back. The present is overwhelming and the future is underwhelming – at least in my world. I have not made the progress you have, even if that progress is temporarily on hold. I feel like I have a split personality. I talk to my husband all the time. I KNOW he is here with me. The signs I get are incredible. We would always put each other first. So, in order for me to accomplish anything, I have to tell myself that I am doing it for him. An accomplishment might be only be going out to dinner with a girlfriend or going 48 hours without having a meltdown. When I am able to do this, I’m actually proud of myself and I know he is as well. I try to build on that – I try to extend it one more day, and then another day, etc. Then, all of a sudden, I will see something, hear something or read something that will send me crashing to the ground in a heap. Sometimes, it seems to happen for no reason. I find myself right back where I started. I believe we suffer from a form of PTSD. Keep at it, Kelley. I pray you will make it the next time. I sincerely hope you can do what I can’t. Hugs to you. xoxo

    • Thank you so much. and you SHOULD be proud of EVERY accomplishment, even if its just going for dinner. Seroiusly. Everything we do in this life after loss is a victory. even the mistakes, because we are living and trying. Keep going. He IS talking to you and he is proud everytime you get up again. I feel that in my heart to be true.

    • Does he reveal himself through signs. I am wating and waiting I have only had two briefs times where I heard him in my dream or vision. Otherwise I hear him in my mind and heart reminding me, warning me, but I want to hear him now for real!

  7. My heart goes out to you, Kelley. I hope that you can feel Don with you now, when you need him the most. He knows what you are going through. And I understand how much you yearn to have him by your side for real. Sending you hugs!!💖💖💖💖

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