We Can Do Better

So, there is something I want to say about my “Pay it Forward for Don Shepherd” project, and something I want to say about people, and grief, in general. My personal blog page feels like the perfect place to say this.

This past Wednesday was July 13th, the 5 year anniversary of my husband’s sudden death. This is the 5th year I have organized the PIF project. It began on the one-year mark of my husband’s death, as a suggestion from my grief-counselor as something to help me get through that day, while also creating something that would be the very definition of who he was and always will be.

This is what I want to say, and it isn’t a judgment or me being upset or angry at anyone – it is simply FACT. The “Pay it Forward” project would not exist, or would have fizzled out, or would not have the chain reaction of kindness that it now has, if it weren’t for my friends in the widowed community. Why? Because every single year, not only do I create a PIF Event Page on Facebook, post the link several times – but I also send out multiple group emails to everyone I know, in the weeks leading up to the event. I also post about it here in my blog, and pretty much everyone that knows me KNOWS that this is happening, and that it’s important to me.

Despite all of this, every single year, the project has the participation ratio of (estimating) 90% widowed friends, and about 10% other, non-widowed friends/family. And of that 10% friends/family, I’d say that only 5% – 7% of that are close/immediate family of mine or Don’s, or close friends of mine or Don’s. The rest fall under the category of online friends, or friends I’ve made over the years at work or in other places. Another words, the people that knew and loved either Don or me or both of us MOST, are the very people who (generally speaking, there are exceptions) choose not to participate in this project. Again, I am NOT saying this as a way to make anyone feel bad or guilty, and I do realize people cope and grieve and show their love for someone who died in their own way and all that, but I do think it’s very telling.

It is telling because it means that the majority of people who are honoring my husband on this day, are people who DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM. As in, they have never even met the guy, and some of them have never even met ME. It is telling because it means that my fellow widowed peeps are, generally, the ones who REALLY comprehend WHY this project is so meaningful to me. Why I do it. They understand how vital and beautiful it is to hear the name of the person you lost to death spoken and said out loud, or to have an act of love done in their honor. They understand that when a couple hundred people choose to honor my husband, it speaks volumes to the universe about a life that matters, and will always matter. And they understand the power of others who loved him saying to me: “Yes. I miss him too. No. He hasn’t been forgotten. He never will be.”

It is telling because the REASON these widowed people understand this so well, is because they have felt the same from their own families and friends. They have sat through birthdays or anniversaries or milestones of the person they love who died, where they have received no acknowledgement from anyone. Nobody saying: “Wow, this must be a hard day for you – your 10th wedding anniversary. ” Generally, the only other people who say this to us, are other widowed people. And no, we don’t expect everyone to remember all the milestone dates of the person we loved that died. Of course not. But, when it’s put out there for people to know or acknowledge, and still gets largely ignored, it just feels bad. It hurts, and it FEELS like you are ignoring us, and ignoring the person that died. As time marches on, there are generally less and less people who mark these types of milestone days, or who reach out to US, the surviving partner or spouse, to express some form of acknowledgment or empathy. And in this way, as time goes by, we begin to feel more and more isolated in our eternal love of this person.

This is very telling about grief, and the way we as a society treat death, and those who are forever missing someone they love. If you are a friend or family member of mine or Don’s, and you choose to participate in this once a year project that requires nothing but a few minutes of kindness, that tells me that you care and you understand that these things help in healing my heart. It also tells me that you are still thinking about Don, and that makes me feel really good. So if you have participated in this years or past years Pay it Forward campaign, OR if you are one of the very few friends and family members who actually follow this blog, I will say this – it means EVERYTHING. Every. single. thing. Thank you.

I was talking with a good widower friend the other day, and he was feeling extra sad because it was his late wife’s birthday, and when he went to the cemetary to put down flowers at the end of his day, he noticed that nobody else had been there. And nobody called him, or acknowledged the birthday in any way. Not her family, not her children, nobody. I said to him: “you must be so hurt and disappointed.” He said: “I’m way past disappointment now. It’s been years. I know now not to expect it. I know that the only person that will acknowledge these milestone days, and acknowledge her life, is me. Nobody else remembers or seems to care, really.” So on Wednesday, I remembered his wife for him, and made sure to include her in one of my Pay it Forwards, because I truly get how empty it feels when you are literally THE ONLY ONE who is acknowledging and remembering the person you love who died. It is a truly terrible feeling.

So I will say this: This is NOT okay. This is not the way we should be treating people that we love, who die. Guess what? Every single person reading this blog piece is going to die. And every single person reading this is going to experience the mind-numbing, soul-crushing hell of losing the person you love most. And you will also lose other people too. Some of you will lose a whole lot of people to death. And it will keep happening, over and over and over. Like my friend Michele says, “if you love humans, they are going to die. Humans die.” This is not how we should be honoring and remembering the people we love. By placing them on a shelf somewhere and never speaking of them again. By shaming people who sit beside their wife or husband at a cemetery, telling them to get over it or stop going there. By letting the person we love who died become further and further away with time, because we choose to ignore it, as if it’s some awful thing in our past that we should let go of.

No. I will NEVER let go of love. I will carry it with me and let it be the wings that make my future soar. I will not forget love. I will not forget my husband. And I will continue to find ways, always, to create beautiful things that create an avalanche of exactly what and who he was – PURE LOVE. To me, to do anything less is unacceptable. And when we find ways to take the love we have for that person, and spread it around – that is when we feel closest to them once more. That is where they live – inside the love.

So, to my widowed community family, THANK YOU for being the fuel to keep this project going, and thank you for truly getting it. And to my friends and family and Don’s friends and family who HAVE participated in this once-a-year thing that I request from you, thank you with all of my heart. It means so very much to me, and it is noticed by me each and every time you choose to remember him or share a memory of him with me or say his name or anything else that keeps him here with us. I cherish those stories, and I cherish you.

All of the above is just me using my P.I.F. campaign as just one example of a way to say this: We, as a society, can do better. Yes, death removes the people we love from earth – it takes their physical form away from us, and forces us to have a different relationship with them. And it hurts like hell and it changes us, forever. But It is not DEATH that takes people’s soul away from us – it is us. We are doing that. We are making the choice to do that. By our actions. Our words. By our decisions on how we choose to stay connected (or not) to the people we love who have died. We are the ones making the people we love disappear through death. And it’s not okay. They deserve better. They deserve more. When I die, the people I love better talk other people’s ears off about me, and find ways to keep my soul alive, or I’m gonna be pissed. Because to me, anything less is shameful.

We can do better. The people we love who died should remain a part of our lives always. They are NOT part of our past. They are forever connected to us, and we can keep them closer to us by keeping them alive. In our stories. In our hearts. In our very breath. Just trust me on this. My husband is only really “gone” when I make choices that don’t keep him part of my life. We are connected to the people we love, forever. Death is just death. Don’t give it more power than it already has. Thank you for listening, and thank you for helping me change the world, one tiny change at a time.

(All comments are so very welcome and appreciated. I love comments. Also, if you would still like to do a PAY IT FORWARD act of kindness in my husband’s name, it is not too late. Simply put your story of what you did along with any pictures, right here in the comments, or email it to me @kelleyiskelley@gmail.com All your stories of kindness will be published in an EPIC blog of kindness piece right here, next week. Thank you. )

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6 thoughts on “We Can Do Better

  1. This is something I don’t understand either. Besides my Doug being gone it is the thing I’ve struggled with the most. I have many online friends, most of whom I’ve never met and some who knew me but met Doug only a handful of times, and their support far exceeds the acknowledgement I get from family. (his and mine although mine does a lot better) I get the feeling it’s kind of like the “Pray for Paris” (Dallas, Nice, Charleston etc.) posts we see everywhere when a tragedy occurs. People allow themselves to be sad and feel the grief easier when it’s something or someone they don’t really know personally. Doug’s family responded to anniversaries and such just the first year. Year 2 rolled around and nothing from them on the special days. (to us they are all special days aren’t they but I digress) Seriously though how hard is it to click “Like” under my posts I am forever writing? I write on my board on Facebook not to garner sympathy, although I could use some on the really bad days, but to make people remember him. Just that. To think of people forgetting a man like Doug existed….I can’t.
    It will be 3 years for me in September. It’s no better and I’ll wager it never will be. Your blog helps people like me as much as I know it helps you. I needed you to know that. SO many things I identify with. I send you my thanks and love. Tina

    • Thank you for telling me this Tina. It is very much appreciated to know that my writing helps you and means something to you. And Im sorry you dont get more support from family and friends. Im sorry a lot of us dont.

  2. Support from family and friends is pretty much non-existent for me. Oh they were sympathetic for the first few months when I was in my zombie-like state but now forget it. I’m supposed to be “cured” of my grief by now. Nobody wants to hear I’m still suffering with the loss of my husband, best friend and soulmate of nearly 40 years. All they want to do is tell me their problems which in turn causes me more distress. It’s been 10 months since my Don died unexpectedly of sudden cardiac arrest and his birthday is 2 days from now, July 20. I’m certain nobody will remember. His family members are all dead now. He was the last survivor of them and they barely remembered him when he was alive. We had no children. As a tribute to your Don, I anonymously paid for an elderly man’s meal at a diner. He was sitting alone as I was and I thought he probably lost his spouse too. Maybe if I see him again I’ll ask if I can join him so we both don’t have to sit alone.

    • Oh corrine, thank you so much for buying that mans dinner, what a sweet thing to do. And Im so sorry that nobody seems to care anymore. It is very sad when that happens, and when we feel like we are the only ones who still acknowledge the persons life . My Don’s family is also mostly dead, and the ones that are alive IM not in touch with that often. Im thinking of you and your Don as his birthday just passed … <3 Hang in there xo.

  3. Your absolutely right Kelley! Loved ones should never be forgotten. I lost my wife to cancer last October, Joe-Ann was only 52. She was in the prime of her life with many projects and plans for the future. I’m doing my best to complete some of her projects and also making sure that she is not forgotten for generations to come. Joe-Ann and I have 27 nieces and nephews including 1 great niece. Our nieces and nephews meant the world to both of us and I wanted to make sure that none of them would forget her, even long after I’m gone. I had made 27 pendants ( gold hearts for our nieces and silver tags for our nephews) with her picture engraved on each. On the back, I had her take on life engraved….“Live, Love, Laugh”. I have also been sending framed pictures to our many friends to ensure she is in their home, maybe on one of the living room tables, so that she may continue to so lovingly touch their lives as she did when she was among us. I also continue to talk of Joe-Ann whenever I have the chance, to anyone who asks or will listen. I’m with you on not giving death more power than it deserves. Thank you for sharing your story. PIF is truly a beautiful project and Don Shepherd will live on forever thanks to you. Take care.

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