To Wait, to Nurture …

There are lots of things in my life that haven’t happened yet.

Things that are on the verge of happening, hopefully.

Things I am patiently, or impatiently, waiting on.

Things that still need to marinate.

Things that are still in development.

Things that haven’t quite been defined.

Things that have no guarantee of happening at all.

Things that I have to choose to have faith in.

Things I am taking a risk on, with my heart.

For me, 2016 has been a year filled with transitions.

Really huge transitions.

And lessons.

And taking risks.

Coming to a new place,

in year 5 of this “after” life.

A place of many shifts.

A place filled with complex and intense emotions.

Year Five.

Doing things I hadn’t done before.

Trying things I couldn’t see myself trying before.

Meeting someone,

through fate, or through divine intervention,

that I never expected to meet.

Feeling a deep connection with that someone.

My first kiss, with that someone.

My first kiss, period. (since losing Don)

Holding hands in a restaurant,

saying goodnight at the door,

and feeling like a teenager,

who just happens to be 44.

My first entrance into feeling special again,

my first taste of that heart-pounding feeling,

where you realize that you can’t stop smiling,

with that someone.

Learning that I am in a different place,

than that someone.

Knowing and accepting,

that I can’t fast-forward or rush the path of that someone.

Meeting them right where they are, instead.

Taking a new direction.

Taking care of myself.

Giving breathing room and alleviating pressure,

with that someone.

Joining multiple dating sites.

Feeling ready to “date” again.

Wanting to be held again.

Having that part of me woken up again.

Going out on some horrible dates.

And some good ones.

Meeting someone on such sites,

that I didn’t expect to meet.

Going on dates with that someone.

Falling into a relationship with that someone.

Doing lots and lots of kissing with that someone.

Feeling attractive and wanted again, with that someone.

My first intimacy, with that someone.

My first intimacy, period. (since losing Don)

Losing my “widow virginity”, with that someone.

Trusting that someone.

Being very gentle with that someone’s widowed heart.

Always being honest with that someone.

Finding out that someone wasn’t being honest in return.

Introducing that someone into pieces of my world,

that are important to me.

Letting that someone into my circle.

My community.

Feeling blindsided by that someone.

Losing trust in that someone.

Feeling the pit of stomach stabbing thing,

when that someone tries to make a fool of me,

right in the middle of my circle.

My community.

Feeling invisible,

when that someone chooses not to even acknowledge this,

or acknowledge me.

Feeling like a complete idiot,

for believing in that someone.

For thinking that he really cared about me,

as I did about him,

and realizing that he probably never did.

Feeling hurt and sadness and pain at that someone.

Breaking away from that someone.

Trying to process what it all meant,

or didn’t mean,

with that someone.

Making major life decisions.

Like moving out of NYC,

after 26 years of living here.

Returning to my home state.

Living with my family.

Having a place of peace and tranquility,

to finish writing the book,

about death and grief and love.

Mostly love.

Changing everything,

knowing nothing,

feeling uncertain,

feeling scared,

trusting instincts,

and hoping,

and longing,

and wanting,

for the future that I so desire,

to hurry up and get here today.

But knowing,

I have little control,

and I have to just keep going,

keep loving,

keep having faith in the outcome,

and knowing,

that good things,

take time.

All the things in my life,

that haven’t happened yet,

that I so want to happen,

are waiting on the horizon.



If I keep growing them.

Nurturing them.

They will grow into

the things

that they always were,

before they were aware,

of what they were.

And so I nurture,



But always,

with Love.